The Mind-Body Battle Of Chronic Pain
I Don't Care Who Started It, I'm Here To Finish It!
“Okay, okay! Break it up!!”
If you grew up with even one sibling, chances are you have gotten into a fight or two (or even two million) with them. And chances are, your parents have broken up said fight(s) by using the phrase, “I don’t care who started it, I’m here to finish it!”
I’ve always found this phrase completely unfair. After all, it wasn’t my fault! She started it! He hit me! I wasn’t doing anything wrong! Why am I being yelled at? As a child, I wanted nothing more than the validation of seeing my parents yell at my siblings, punish them (not me) and make them apologize to me. But no such luck.
Because I wanted the validation that comes from parsing out conflicts, and because I rarely got it, I was left feeling that I was treated unfairly. I felt that I was not being heard or seen. My anger and frustration had nowhere to go but in.
Cue the IBS.
IBS. What probably started as one belly ache from having to swallow my anger, turned into 20 years of agony. And I mean, agony. Emotional, physical, soul-crushing agony.
Why me?
When will it end?
But I’m doing everything right!
I’m meditating every day and I’m not eating cake!!
20 years of questioning, 20 years of trying to decipher the exact cause of each stomach flare-up, and 20 years of trying to figure out the exact cocktail of circumstances so I can avoid having diarrhea (maybe I can have two bananas, but not three, only when I’m not PMSing, and not within one month of a stressful event?!). Of course, there was no perfect solution to be figured out, but that didn’t stop me from trying (obsessing is more like it)!
When doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, friend after friend tried to help me by teaching me acceptance, patience, and mindset, I would respond with: “I’ll stop thinking about it so much when it stops happening!!” First comes the reduction of physical symptoms and THEN I’ll stop focusing on it. Makes sense, right?
Wrong!
Hint: Whenever you hear yourself say, “I’ll ______ when ______,” try reversing it.
I’ll be happy when I get this job —> I’ll get this job when I’m happy.
It’s the positive feelings that bring about what you want.
As biological as my condition was, there was also many emotional components to it (my obsession to heal, my view of myself as a sick person who would “never get better,” my hopelessness, my negativity, and my constant quest to find a magic pill).
When we have chronic conditions (whether it be pain or sickness), the emotional components happen slowly over time, and intertwine with the physical aspects. This creates the cycle, the fight that needs to be broken up. This is what turns a headache into chronic migraines, a stomachache into IBS, a bad date into a lifetime of feeling inadequate. The worse we feel physically, the more emotions we have about it (fear, anxiety, disappointment, confusion, anger, justice seeking). The emotions and physical sensations are now part of the same system, and the more we have these feelings, the more it contributes to how sick we feel.
It’s impossible to go back in time and pinpoint a moment when the thoughts/emotions took over and starting contributing to the fight. That’s why in these cases, it’s fully appropriate and helpful to say, “I don’t care who started it, I’m here to finish it!”
Why? Because just like being punished for something you didn’t do, life is unfair! None of us should feel sick, heartbroken, stuck, or in constant pain. But we do! It’s part of the human condition. Sometimes the original cause doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who started it, or that it wasn’t your fault, or that it’s unfair. Chronic pain, illness and life struggles are patterns that are complicated, and have deep histories in our minds and bodies, histories that our bodies remember and act upon, sometimes on auto-pilot.
All we can do now is say, “This is where I am today. No matter how I got here, whether it started as something physical or emotional, or how long I’ve struggled with this, it’s something I can choose to change now.”
As much as I would love to be happier once the pain stops, the reality is: The choice to change is an emotional one, a conscious mindset. It is a forgiving, patient mindset, one that is not hyper-focused on the ailment, and one that truly believes you have the capacity to change and heal. So it is your mind that needs to say, “I don’t care who started it, I’m here to finish it!”
But if you refuse to accept that, if you are still determined to say, “But it wasn’t my fault!” or, “But, it’s physical!” or, “But, I’ve had this for 20 years!” or some other reach for validation and justice, you run the risk of keeping the fight going. You’ll be fighting yourself, and it’s a losing battle.
You didn’t do anything wrong and you do not deserve it, nevertheless, here you are, sick and suffering. You are correct in that you should not be punished. But, be wise. No matter who started it, you can choose to finish it!