Orthorexia & Binge Eating Disorder
Food & control. It began in my twenties. I started extreme dieting, not for weight loss, but to manage my food intolerances and IBS.
Ironically, everyone around me thought I had an eating disorder when I was younger because I was thin. Even today, people take one look at me, and if I happen to be eating a salad, they say, “That’s why you’re so thin!” That’s it: I am thin, therefore I must have an eating disorder. It’s presumptuous and incredibly ignorant.
However off the mark they were about me having an eating disorder because I was thin, in my twenties I actually did develop an eating disorder, which was fueled by a fear of feeling sick from food.
After I was put on a restrictive diet for my IBS, I become obsessive about food journaling and could not think about anything other than what I was eating. What started off as a way to monitor my IBS symptoms became an addiction. I developed eating habits and thoughts around food that were so rigid, I was actually inhibiting my healing progress. I did not realize this at the time, though. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to.
I developed anxiety and panic attacks which were triggered by feeling hungry, and the fear that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything. There was nothing worse than someone trying to alleviate my concerns by saying, “Don’t worry. There’ll be food at the party!” Not MY food. I was so fixated on what I couldn’t eat (so many foods triggered my IBS) that I literally panicked if my “safe” foods weren’t available.
I had heard the term "binge eating," but didn’t think it applied to me. I knew that eating disorders ultimately came back to rigidity and control, Although I became overly controlling about my diet, food overtook my daily thoughts, and I was binging on my “safe” foods all day to avoid feeling hungry, I did not see a connection between what I was experiencing and this diagnosis.
Because my diet was so limited, I often isolated myself and avoided social situations. I had no interest in anything other than when/what my next meal would be. I had lost my ability to eat calmly and intuitively. I couldn’t decipher natural hunger from anxiety. I knew this felt like some version of a disorder, but it wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties that I finally discovered that it was.
The term Orthorexia was introduced in the late nineties, and yet, I had not heard it uttered once growing up. The not-as-well-known eating disorder has paradoxical qualities—the quest to be healthy goes to unhealthy extremes. The obsession with healthy eating puts an individual completely out of touch with their nutritional needs. They can no longer eat intuitively or even consider eating something outside their approved food list.
As it happened, by the time I was made aware of orthorexia (and that I had it) I had already made a lot of progress in recovering from it. I was anxious and hungry all the time, so I was seeking therapy for my anxiety. I worked with a few therapists who helped me integrate healthier eating habits into my life. They helped me have a better, more relaxed mindset about food in general. Never once having known I had a disorder, I worked very hard to release much of the hold food had on me. I was very lucky to not need a diagnosis to know that something was wrong.
Over time I embraced a more relaxed attitude toward food, and panicked less if I had to eat something that wasn’t 100% healthy and/or a part of my strict diet. This slowly allowed me to have more of a life and build interest in people and things other than meals.
Today, while I do maintain discipline around food (healthy eating is important to me), I have loosened the vice considerably.
Food is fuel for our bodies, and our habits around eating say a lot about our self-worth and self-image—what we allow or don't allow ourselves to have, how much, and why.
I used to eat—binge—compulsively to stave off feelings of intense hunger and anxiety. Now, before I take a bite of food, I ask myself if I'm really hungry, or if I'm just anxious, or lonely, or bored. Am I eating out of habit or hunger? Am I eating for the hunger that exists now, or the hunger I worry is to come? Instead of panicking and rushing to get food at the first stomach grumble, I allow the hunger to exist in my body, and sit with the uncomfortable feeling. I trust the feeling will not destroy me, and I have learned to tolerate it.
This is only a snippet of my story about orthorexia and binge eating disorder, and the panic attacks that intertwined with them. For the full story, read my book, Insatiable.