Faking It

Let me ask you a question. How often do you fake it?

Don't click away or scoff at my question, presuming it doesn't apply to you, and P.S. How dare I infer such a thing!?

We all like to think of ourselves as honest, true to ourselves and others. In the wellness space, we refer to this as authenticity.

You want the truth? The truth is we rarely are as authentic and honest as we need to be to live fulfilling lives. How authentic we feel, and how often we honor what we truly think and want play a role in our overall well-being.

So, it's with the utmost sincerity that I urge everyone to take a break from diet culture, put down the detox smoothie, hit pause on your Beach Body workout, and instead, examine this area of your life for a moment. It might start with just noticing, tuning in, paying attention to when you're selling yourself short, saying yes when you mean no, or exaggerating a response, all for the sake of being chosen, liked, or alleviating discomfort.

I'll give you an example from my personal life. Back when I was not repulsed by dating apps, I went out on a date or two. I had no history with these men, no obligation to them, yet when I decided a man was not for me, I rarely ended it honestly. I didn't ghost them either. Quite the opposite, actually. There was usually some long-winded explanation that involved elaborating on some other reason than simply, "I don't like you enough."

Elaborations sounded something like, "The timing just isn't right," "I'm just not in a good place to date," and, "Gosh, you're wonderful, but my mother would kill me if I dated a Scorpio."

It's not that any of these reasons were complete lies, but they were exaggerations that took the edge off the guilt of just saying no, which of course, would have been much more authentic.

Here's another example. Some time back, I found myself on a job interview. Per usual, I was eager to impress. But, why? I wasn't dying for the new role. I just wanted something different, something to help me leave my current job, more money. As I listened to the interviewer babble on about the different responsibilities that would come with the job, how did I react? Authentically? Of course not!

True authenticity would have sounded like this: "That sounds terrible, actually," "No, I'm not much for spreadsheets and deadlines," "Sure, I like people, but I wouldn't go as far as to say, 'Team Player'," "I was hoping you would pay me 100k with benefits to sit on my ass. Oh, and I need flexibility to travel whenever I want."

It might sound ridiculous and indulgent, lazy even, but THAT would have been way more authentic than what I said: "Oh, absolutely! You can count on me! I never miss deadlines, I feel comfortable working independently and as a team," regurgitating what was already laid out for me in the job description. And you bet I left out the part about exchanging my soul and all the sun-filled hours of my days in exchange for just enough money to pay my rent.

We live in a culture that has very rigid structures and social norms. It's no wonder when we're asked what we truly want and what really makes us happy, we draw a blank. Or, we default to things that are already set up within the current establishment. Think: I want a house, and kids, and a job that pays well. It can be challenging to think about our true desires outside of these constraints.

The way to answer this question authentically is to first imagine a scenario where money was not needed, where there was no chance of hurting others, where you always knew you'd have a roof over your head and an easy time getting what you need in life. I know, it sounds ridiculous right? Like a fantasy land that doesn't exist, so why even bother? Why not just stick with what's "realistic"?

Well I can tell you what's not realistic: finding true fulfillment without giving yourself permission to think freely, imaginatively, outside the box.

Try to drop "reality" and don't worry about the "how." Just declare what your heart truly desires, and let the Universe figure out the "how."

Reflect on areas or moments of your own life where you may be settling, dishonest, or not fully as authentic as you could be. In other words, ask yourself when and why you are faking it. It could be as simple as smiling at your boss when they give you a task, when your inner child would rather shove the papers off their desk and give them the finger. It could be pretending to enjoy any experience in favor of keeping the peace. Or perhaps you force yourself to focus on the good, all that is going well in your life, because you don't want to give in to the part of yourself that hates certain aspects of your life. Think: parenthood. It's not as simple as being "so blessed" and grateful for a healthy child, especially when you've tried so hard to conceive. Parenthood can also be challenging and hard, and dare I say, something people can resent. And that's okay! It doesn't take away from all the things you love about it.

While gratitude is important, powerful, and a necessary tool to get one out of a downward spiral when all you can see is doom and gloom, we should not let it stop us from having authentic negative feelings. Gratitude puts things into perspective. It is important! But it's not to take the place of acknowledging areas that are not as soul-satisfying as you know they can be.

What we need to understand and embrace is that we all have dual, even multiple feelings about many things. It's okay to be grateful for a wonderful job, supportive coworkers, and excellent health benefits, while also hating the daily grind of the 9-5. Just like it's okay to love your family and thank the Universe everyday for this wonderful support system, while also wanting to give it all back in exchange for some alone time. Balance, my friends. Balance.

So back to faking it. If we're using the more traditional use of this term, I never understood why people did it. It seems like such an outdated concept: putting your own needs aside, while boosting the ego of the other person. For me, it wouldn't serve either person to be dishonest.

For me, sexual honesty is a non-negotiable. And yet, for as clear as my convictions are around faking orgasms, you'll still catch me smiling when I feel like yelling, saying "sure," when I want to say "no," and settling for experiences that are not truly up to the standards of my deepest desires. We all have these weak spots—moments and areas where we don't feel we can speak our truth confidently. Culture, gender, familial dynamics, and society can all shape these fears of speaking up. They can make the truth seem out of reach, or even non-existent. This, again, is why when we are asked what we really want, we're still pulling from a pre-orchestrated memory box of what is "realistic” or “available" to us.

Authenticity is crucial, but it involves acknowledging this disconnect between what we want and what we think is possible, between keeping the peace and having inner peace. From there, it’s about taking small, daily actions to bridge the gap. This can mean speaking more authentically, acting in congruence with your soul, and being willing to move away from that which doesn't align.

#thetruthshallsetyoufree