Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

We all remember this jingle from childhood, right? “Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.”

Well if you never heard it before, happy to be introducing it to you.

The song is usually sung in elementary school among children who notice other children being secretive. It’s meant to encourage inclusion. “Share! I want to know what you’re talking about!” For a children’s song, the ending has a foreboding ring to it: “Secrets, secrets hurt someone.”

But, what if that someone is yourself?

We all have secrets. It’s impossible to make it to adulthood without telling at least a few lies. Hopefully, they are the little white lies that don’t actually hurt anyone. I may or may not have told prospective employers I knew Excel way better than I actually did, or my mother I loved the present she got me for Chanukah. 

So let’s all take a moment to release any guilt or judgement we have about not always being 100% truthful.

Sometimes we tell bigger lies, though. The lies that go beyond pretending to know more than you do to get a job, or saying “okay” just to keep the peace. We have probably all told at least one big lie, and likely with good reason. We are human, and we fuck up sometimes. This can cause us to feel caught in a trap, fearful of hurting yourself or others if you confess the secret, yet terribly guilty for keeping it. 

These secrets can have significant consequences on our health. I’m not talking about others finding out the secret—that’s an entirely different predicament. No, I’m talking about the terror of living with the possibility that someone might find out. This is enough to put your nervous system on high alert. Not to mention, even if you’re certain your secret will never see the light of day, it can take a deep internal toll on you. Imagine waste that never gets excreted from your body. Is it that different than a secret sitting inside you with nowhere to go?

I was recently talking about this with my friend Vanessa. As she put it, “It’s never about the secrets themselves, but how keeping them has affected this, that, and the other.”

Think about a secret you have kept or are currently keeping. Perhaps it’s “long forgotten” or “doesn’t matter anymore.” But has your body forgotten it?

Maybe it doesn’t make sense to tell anyone now. I can certainly respect that. But can you make any connections between that secret/the keeping of that secret, and the actions, feelings or patterns that have followed as a result?

In the past, secret keeping had created a lot of anxiety for me. To keep a secret meant I had to remain super diligent at all times, remember who I told, and to what extent I shared the full story. It was exhausting and nerve wracking. This constant anxiety infringed on my ability to be fully truthful with myself, even in private! For example, my secret keeping extended to my own, private journals. Many of my past journal entries were written in code, using false names, and skewed details, all to protect myself in case anyone were to find and read them one day. But if you can’t even say everything in your own journal, where can you?!

Today I’m grateful for the anxiety that comes with keeping a secret, because I now get a “funny feeling” when a situation arises that doesn’t feel right to me. If something does not feel kosher, or I suspect it’ll hurt someone, or I will not be able to be completely truthful about it, my anxiety rises to say, “Hold it right there. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Despite the many things I have yet to learn about myself, there’s one thing I know concretely: I HATE KEEPING SECRETS. Other people’s secrets are safe with me, don’t worry! I’m specifically referring to secrets about myself, my feelings, and my actions. I don’t like feeling stifled.

Before we continue, I’d like to make an important distinction. Keeping secrets is not the same as choosing not to talk about something. Privacy and boundaries are important.

I’ve always been a big fan of therapy—a completely safe space to share anything without the fear that your mom/partner/brother/friend/boss will find out. As long as you’re not “therapy curating” (censor yourself and editing out significant details).

Why might someone “therapy curate”?

• We may think something is insignificant, and choose not to “waste time” talking about it.

• We may want more sympathy from our therapist and choose to bend the truth to get it.

• We may want to curate to avoid certain topics.

Now’s a good time to take note of your own tendencies for censoring yourself. Assuming you have a completely confidential, judgement-free space, such as a therapist or journal, why hold back? Do you think any details are insignificant? Are you afraid of going down that rabbit hole? What’s preventing you from purging information that may be toxic to your insides?

This is something to reflect on.

Now, let’s say you confess your secrets in a safe, welcoming space, and let’s say you go through the self-work to forgive yourself for whatever the indiscretion was, then comes another important question: to tell or not to tell other people who it may have affected?

Let me be very clear that I am NOT advocating one or the other. Deciding to confess any secret to another person is an entirely personal decision that requires careful consideration. When it comes to your secrets, whether you decide to tell the person, or any person, is for you to figure out. The important thing is to find a way to let it out safely!  

As imperfect humans, we’re bound to make mistakes, and with them, possibly accumulate secrets. So go easy on yourself.