Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dr. Greene is one of my favorite doctors. He is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) based out of New York City. In my early thirties I saw him weekly because I suffered from Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. At that time, my anxiety was bad and my IBS was worse. I was in constant fear of having a panic attack and went to great lengths to prevent one from happening, often making myself sick in the process.
Every second of every minute of my day was meticulously planned out, so that I could stay ten steps ahead of my anxiety. The slightest derailment in my plans (an unforeseen train delay, a change of weather) sent me into a panic spiral.
I had seen a few doctors before Dr. Greene and walked away with a lot of shrugged shoulders and scratched heads. One doctor even turned me away because she felt my case was “too extreme” for her to handle. Not very reassuring, to say the least. Dr. Greene welcomed me, confident he could help. We both wanted me to regain a life in which fear did not dictate my every move.
I knew the only way for me to get better was to do the work continually, by facing my fears in increments, gradually increasing my exposure to the situations, thoughts, and sensations which made me anxious. Food was a big trigger for me, and since we are constantly in need of food, I was facing fear three times a day (plus snacks). I had my work cut out for me.
After only a few sessions I could feel the therapy working, and yet, I was constantly asking to slow down and prolong each increment—if he wanted me to tolerate feeling hungry for 30 seconds, I’d bargain with him to bring it down to five seconds.
Progress continued to be slow because, though I was up for whatever I needed to do or talk about in his office once a week, I could not handle doing my homework every day in between sessions. I needed him to physically be there, forcing me to do the work, and acting as a safety net. I couldn’t bring myself to expose myself to my fears on my own.
Progress became even more hindered as I entered a state of healing overwhelm. In addition to the CBT work I needed to do, I was food journaling, IBS managing, working full time, and alternating various medications. Self-care became a chore: Breathe deep, drink water, eat this, don’t eat that, practice mindfulness, exercise. It became too much, and eventually I backed off from treatment all together.
To this day, I think I discontinued my treatment with Dr. Greene too soon, and yet, I don’t regret my decision. I simply wasn’t ready for what he had to offer at that time. I was too anxious to work on my anxiety, and too fatigued trying to juggle all the other healing modalities in my life.
However, there was a great lesson in there for me. The lesson was about facing my fears and doing the work in a way, time frame, and space that was digestible for me. Just as some people can wolf down a burger in under two minutes no problem, and others would get indigestion, same is true for intaking new therapies and practices.
While it took longer than I’d hoped, I did eventually resume treatment and continued to face my fears in small enough increments, which allowed me to get past them. My mistake initially was looking at the top of the mountain from the base and thinking, how am I ever going to get there? instead of putting one foot in front of the other. Nevertheless, I got better, and I did it at my own pace.
I’d like to give a shout out to all the healthcare practitioners, therapists, and holistic health professionals (especially Dr. Greene) who have taken me in during various stages of my healing process, and pushed me forward.