Self-Care Is Bullsh*t

The phrase "self-care" is as ubiquitous as wifi hotspots. It can arouse wildly different reactions from different people. For some, self-care conjures up images of relaxation and serenity.

For others, it triggers an eye roll—some trendy health & wellness practice all the "healthy" people are doing. An overrated, annoying cliché.

I get that. Yes, believe it or not, even as a health coach, I sometimes have an aversion to the phrase. It evokes too many images of ladies in Turby Twist towels with cucumber slices on their eyes, bubble baths, and white women doing yoga on a beach. I stress about finding time in my day for 10-minute meditations, so excuse me if I think making daily trips to the beach to practice my tree pose is a little unrealistic.

The other thing I dislike about "self-care" is that there are too many ways to practice it, and only so many hours in the day (okay, it’s a good problem to have. But it can feel overwhelming). With so many options, sticking to self-care routines can actually be more stress-inducing than stress-relieving. It can become yet another item on our massive to-do list. It’s impossible to try to adopt every suggestion, all the time. In that way, self-care can become counterproductive. 

All that being said, I'm not opposed to self-care whatsoever. It’s essential. What I am opposed to are the cliché "go-to"s we have associated with self-care. So I want to make that distinction clear. This is about REDEFINING “Self-Care.”

Don't get me wrong, if yoga, meditation, lavender baths and aromatherapy work for you, awesome! However, there are so many other, perhaps un-thought-of ways to care for yourself. So, today I'm sharing what self care means at the core, what it means for me personally, and expanding the possibilities of what that could look like for you.

Reality check: Self-care does not have to be glamorous, involve deep breathing, or include the word "namaste." It also can cost $0.

How do I define self care? It is exactly that: caring for yourself. For me, while I do enjoy baths and massages, those are not my daily self-care rituals. Mine are more specific to me, what my mind, body, and soul need to feel cared for in that moment. So it can change from month to month, even day to day.

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly low and have to force myself out of bed, simply taking a shower is an act of self-care. Whereas other days, self-care might be ignoring emails and text messages, or treating myself to a massage and saying "yes" when the masseuse asks if I want 10 more minutes.

Although my self-care practices vary, generally speaking, there are five that I make it a point to do consistently, because for me, they are essential to taking care of myself no matter what the day. For me, they deserve the extra effort to prioritize, so that I can actually live my best life. The rest is just gravy. 

So, without further ado, here are my top five self-care rituals, none of which I spend a single penny on:

1- I let myself feel like shit sometimes.

I spent almost 20 years petrified of feeling sick, and not-so-coincidentally, almost 20 years battling digestive issues. Any ache, pain, or queasy sensation in my stomach was terrifying. I was always convinced something was wrong, or that the pain would get worse, or that I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. This only aggravated my IBS.

Over time, I learned to "un-hook" my thoughts from my bodily sensations. I learned to view those bodily sensations neutrally and experience them objectively, without attaching any fear, worry, or meaning to them. When a stomach pain arose, I would simply acknowledge it, stop myself from creating a story around it (or otherwise spiraling into negative thoughts), and just let it pass on its own. This helps to stop catastrophizing.  

So now when my stomach hurts, I simply allow it to hurt. I acknowledge that it feels unpleasant, I do a quick emotional scan to see if my mental state is playing a role (and if it is, I simply take note of that), and then I assure myself that this feeling will pass soon. And it does.

Equally as important, while I don’t go out of my way to feel shitty, it’s inevitable from time to time. If I feel bad, I don’t try to force myself to feel better, especially when I know I’m going through something rough. I don’t rush it. I let myself feel like shit, and in those moments, that’s what I need to care for myself.

2- I prioritize sleep.

Quality sleep is one of the major pillars of good health (others include diet, physical activity, relationships, and stress management). But many people view sleep as something they can do when they're dead, as if sleeping is a time suck that prevents them from living. 

Some people are able to function, even thrive on little sleep, and to them I say, I don't know how you do it! I also say, take a good, hard look at your overall health. While you may not necessarily feel tired from lack of sleep, are you feeling irritable? Struggling to lose weight? Having digestive issues? Experiencing other health concerns? Then put more attention on your sleep.

I need good, quality sleep. Period. I need seven hours, give or take, in order to function the next day. The number of hours of sleep is not enough—the window of time in which I sleep matters, too! I need to sleep during the night and wake up in the morning. I like to align my sleep cycle with the night cycle and get as much daylight as I can while the sun is up. So I am happy to leave a party early if it means getting to bed at a decent hour.

3- I try not to complain.

Complaining is a one-way ticket to Negativityville. Notice I didn't say "I don't complain," because not complaining is hard! I, like most New Yorkers, can usually find more than one thing to complain about: the MTA, the noise, the neighbors. So I am actively trying to not complain as much as I used to. I'll get there!

In order to master this, I stop and pay attention to my attitude and language, which make up our stories, our realities. Have you ever stopped and paid attention to how you talk about things? Is everything "always happening to you" or "really annoying"? Our words become our experiences, so they matter a lot.

We often complain in our heads about everyday “annoyances” that, in reality, are not so terrible and should not be taken personally. Are you able to un-attach those meaningless, negative associations from everyday events? For example, when a driver cuts you off on the road, is he "an asshole that ruined your whole day because he doesn't know how to drive!"? Or did you just have to slow down on the highway for five seconds?

Complaining breeds negativity, it is unattractive, and frankly, it’s a waste of energy. I make it a daily practice to bring more positivity into my life by freeing up space via complaining less.

4- I eat very slowly.

Between the rush of our busy lives, the unrealistic expectations we're bombarded with in the media, and new fad diets being pushed on us by "experts" every five seconds, many of us are out of tune with what our bodies actually need. We look to see what works for others, and don't take the time to pay attention to our unique makeup. 

Eating slowly allows me to ask very important questions to myself while I'm eating:

"Am I really hungry (for more)?"

"How will I feel after eating this? Better? Worse? The same?" 

If I crave food after I've already had a large meal, this is my cue to slow down to ask those questions. Eating slowly allows me to decipher if what I'm feeling is an emotional craving. If so, I can identify that I'll be no better off if I continue to eat—no less bored, lonely, or anxious, and that craving won’t go away no matter how many more bites I take. In these cases, it's clear I'm just using food as a distraction or coping mechanism.

Eating slowly also allows me to stop eating when I feel satiated, as opposed to eating until I feel uncomfortably full (an important distinction). 

Eating slowly allows me to identify those other moments when I am actually hungry and need nourishment. Those are the moments when I can literally hear my stomach growling, and I can legitimately imagine eating food and feeling fulfilled afterwards. But again, the only way for me to be aware of the distinction between physical and emotional hunger, is by eating slowly, chewing with intention, and being honest with myself when I ask those important questions. 

When I chill out, eat slowly, and approach food from a steady, educated place, I am choosing my foods, meal times, and portion sizes with empowerment. The same can then be translated into mindful decisions in all other areas of life.

5- I cry often.

This is not a daily self-care activity, however, I do feel the urge to cry pretty often. Not because my life is so terrible, but because I am an emotional person. I am sensitive, and respond deeply to the inevitable upsetting things that are a part of life: aging parents, siblings moving away, breakups, living in a dystopian era. Sometimes the tears are brought out by a yoga stretch, a sad movie, or during a therapy session. Other times they come on me suddenly out of "nowhere." Doesn't matter. When they hit, they hit.

And did you know that tears have a different molecular makeup depending on what caused the tears? Tears of sadness and joy look very different under a microscope than tears brought on by an onion. Don't believe me? Google it! I did (I was skeptical at first, too!). Emotional tears have protein-based hormones that can act as natural painkillers, which would explain why we usually feel better after we've had a good cry.

Allowing myself space and time to cry it out when I need to feels just as necessary as going to the bathroom when nature calls. I consider attending to this basic need (crying) a deep act of self-care.

So, there you have it. My un-glamorous, outside-the-bath, self-care routine. While I do also engage in (almost) daily meditation, deep breathing, stretching, and physical activity, ultimately what my self-care routine boils down to is just staying positive, letting myself feel shitty when I feel shitty, giving myself adequate rest, and taking things slow.

I hope this has helped you reframe how you can care for yourself.